MOMMA: If Humanism is a valid psychological theory about all "hooman beans" having inherent goodness but my mother keeps trying to persuade me that it's a Satanic religion, would main Humanist theorist Carl Rogers comes back from the dead to defend his theories from the grave if I showed no goodness by whacking my mother over the head with my Theories of Personality text book?
KILROY: No, but I thinks Freud would say you has aggression issues which would be better channeled into a defense mechanism like sublimation, where you wanna do something baaad but do something socially acceptable instead in order to make your urges all happy and stuff.
MOMMA: Like playing "whack-a-mole" instead of "whack-a-mom"?
KILROY: Uh, not quite. Besides, it's my job to play "whack-a-mom."
MOMMA: More like "scratch-a-mom"!!
KILROY: Hey! I keep these nails pawticured just for you!
MOMMA: Should I tell everyone about how you were baaaad today?
KILROY: I was...? You're not talking about....
MOMMA: Kilroy gave a kitty toy to Leah, just so she would get in trouble.
KILROY: I...uh...I was just trying to make friends with the stoopid mutt! Really! It's not like I gloat every time I give her something she's not s'posed to have... at least, I do my best not to let you see me gloat...
MOMMA: Leah could've choked on it! So, anyway, I gave Kilroy a light spanking.
KILROY: Aw...AW MOM! DON'T TELL PEOPLE THAT!! My gurlfriend reads this blog...
MOMMA: I smacked him gently above his tail and told him he was a bad boy for trying to get poor Miss Leah in trouble. He seemed taken aback at first, so I felt very bad. Then, when he saw that he could milk me for sympathy, he gave me such sad eyes and looked at me with his Abandoned Kitty Face for the rest of the night.
KILROY: *sighs and gives a dirty look*
MOMMA: Oh, he never acted angry. He was always inviting me to pick him up. He knows I'm a sucker for the Abandoned Kitty Face.
KILROY: Don't tell others about it!! I can't use it on them now.
MOMMA: But that's okay, you don't need to! You're such a big brave mancat, right?
KILROY: *puffs up his chest* Yeah. Dat's right!
MOMMA: Before I met your daddy three years ago, you really protected me!
KILROY: There was that one jerk boyfriend of yours I didn't like, so I jumped on a sensitive part and dug every claw and fanger I could into his skin! And then whenever you had a visitor I didn't like, I climbed up to the highest shelf and would launch myself at them. Or, or, if you tried to watch a movie with someone, I would play with my LOUDEST TOYS EVAR.
MOMMA: Hmmm... now that I remember, you never attacked any of my attractive female friends. In fact, your face would light up when they'd yell or squeal (in a nice way) about how cute you are. If anyone else did that, you'd either hide behind the bed or bite them.
KILROY: I like purty girls. Tee-hee. *gulp* But, uh, none's purtier than Miss Tessles! *ahem* Anyway, what was your Rhetorical Question of the Week?
MOMMA: I forget. I think it had something to do with my mom being nuts.
KILROY: I've heard all mommehs are nuts. *wink wink*
MOMMA: Yeah, I've heard that t- HEY!
KILROY: Can't hide from the truth, woman! You CRAZY woman!
MOMMA: Do you want bedtime treats tonight?
KILROY: ...you byootiful, sweet, smart and only slightly insane woman!
MOMMA: That's better.